Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Randomize
