Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
