I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
