sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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