Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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