accomplished twins. life is a go
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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