We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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