i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize