You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
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