He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Randomize
