I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
