Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
