How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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