Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
