2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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