Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
