I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
Randomize