dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Randomize
