Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
