At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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