dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Randomize
