Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize