Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
