naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Randomize