he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
