you lied. pity sex is amazing.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
Randomize
