Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
We had to coat check the pizza.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
i now understand why vodka
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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