Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
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