dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
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