tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
