I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
Randomize
