I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
sex in a hospital.. check
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
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