You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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