i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I'm way too hungover for life right now
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
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