yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Randomize
