I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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