i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
