an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
