You can't special order awesome
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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