John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Is it penis luge time yet?
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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