i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
