your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
