Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
