I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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