I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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