The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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