I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
