Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
