ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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