I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
How does it feel to date your dad?
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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