so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
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