As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
