fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
