On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Randomize
