so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
