if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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