I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
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