I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize