I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
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